The gift of an agonizing limerance

I am very fond of her, a little too fond. The kind of fond where you can’t read her name without feeling a lump in your chest, the kind of fond where every-time you see someone with THAT hair color a part of you wishes its her so you get to see her and part of you wishes it ain’t her so as to avoid the agony of having to meet her and then not be with her.

I have been told that this is unhealthy. I have been told that limerance is a bad thing, that maniacally obsessing about someone implies that you don’t have ambition or not enough of it. If you want to be loved, find something you love. People can sense it when you have something you’re dedicated to. No one wants the burden of being the answer to your dissatisfaction. To feel too much for someone is unsettling and love is supposed to “feel safe”.

Reasonable people don’t do this, reasonable people meet someone express their feelings, their desires, communicate their boundaries share their ambitions and then through some happenstance of life you wake up one day and find out you are “in love” with the person you woke up next to.

You are reasonable because you know them, you have learnt their quirks and pettiness. You are reasonable because you know that they love a smoothie with coconut milk. You know that they love to sleep late sometimes but only sometimes. You have had an educated guess about their patterns and personality and you can see a long term “potential” and “compatibility”. The only reasonable next step is to be exclusive and make them “your partner”, its a fucking business agreement after all. Something something common law.

Don’t be unreasonable. You open yourself up to a horror show of misery that comes from loving someone too much for no justifiable reason. You give them power over you, you give them ownership to your depths that they don’t quite know how to swim in. Don’t you know, those feelings are just them hormones ticking, its just carnal desire “clouding your vision”. You want the touch so so bad you can’t fathom their’s anything wrong with this person’s heart and maybe they are not “good for you”. Going down this path will inevitably blow up in your face and that this is the prelude to a humiliation ritual.

I get that maybe this word of caution is perfectly reasonable but why is that I “know” all of this and it feels so fucking wrong. I feel like a teenager being told by the adults to get home by eleven, its so crushing, Don’t you know that all the fun happens past eleven?

The adults may be reasonable, they may have money and I may very well be living in their house but do they know how to feel things as deeply as I do. Do they really know how to yearn in a way that turns you physically sick from the agony? Do they know the sheer joy when your heart explodes with a small brush of hands? They are all so well adjusted I wonder if they feel things as deeply or if it all. They are so busy protecting their hearts, they forgot how to use them.

What if they are all wrong? What if all the reasonable people are wrong? Do you really think a great story or a great tragedy was started by reasonable people doing reasonable things like communicating well, expressing boundaries and taking it slow? Do you really think that a great soul moving love comes from this “safety”? I don’t know, I just don’t buy it.

I know you mean well and maybe this will all blow up in my face and I will be left alone with the agony of my own unrequitted love but at-least I fucking lived. At least I fucking felt something.

This is your life, if you don’t live and emote the fuck are you doing? The fuck are you doing playing it safe and playing it right? Why learn a lesson from your misery? Why not make the same mistake again but differently this time?